Numb | 16.11.2025

TRIGGER WARNING: Discussion of domestic conflict, emotional distress

today was... quite a busy day for me. i honestly might release my website rn since it's basically done, but i was delaying it to polish it up and add some secrets, but i can add those later. im very tired, really tired.

my mom's boyfriend needs to move out and he acts as a victim like usual. in the morning i was bed rotting, ate lunch and left home for a walk which i was on for hours, i even was in places i wasnt in before. i played "his theme" from undertale on the public piano, its the only thing i know to play, but it was a nice highlight of today compared to the other things. i cried a lot today, basically all day and now that its calm im left feeling numb and weak. i didnt eat much today, but i dont feel that hungry at all, not like i will go grab something from the kitchen since he is sleeping there.

it's his last night here, atleast thats what i have been told. tomorrow night mom will even change the lock on the front door, which is good. the only reason he is still here is because of me, i gave him too many chances hoping he would change, but he never did, he used the kindess of my heart to stay. what really broke me today is that my mom said that when i was on the walk he assulted her, not anything too serious, more threathing, but it hit me like a bus, how can he still act victim to me saying i dont know the whole story and that she is also doing the part here while he is doing such cruel things to only her but also to me.

i had trust issues and he just made them worse. i thought i could trust him and even though he said he loves me like a son i dont believe it anymore, after everything that happened. worst part? i cant even stand up for myself, i stood up to him once, he said if i were do that again he would move out no questions, y'know what? if i stood up to him again and said he needs to go i dont believe he would keep that promise, just like he didnt keep the other ones.

so um, how do i wrap this venting post up? well i learned something today, something important to me.

god gave me fear of death so i wouldn't kill myself, and it works wonderfuly for many years.

here are some pictures i took on an old GT-S5330 samsung phone while i was on a walk with descriptions on why i took them:

there was an abandoned building here once that i liked to look at, i was thinking i could maybe explore it one day, but over time it got demolished

while walking i decided to take an unusual turn and found what looks like an abandoned church or something, it was quite neat

after playing the piano i decided to sit down here for a break, after i was done and i went over to a sign with some information about the place i found out that once this was a jew graveyard that got moved, the bodies got dropped into one big hole, kinda sad, it was decades ago, around the time of the second world war

walking where i was never before i found this biiig abandoned building which i think was a factory once

a railroad, i was thinking about jumping the fence to look closer and to take a sit, but i chickened out

this was next to the abandoned building, i sat down here and sobbed for a while before grabbing a small stick and going home (i still got the stick)

a random ass chair, i found it quite funny for some reason